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I just wanted to come on here and post (or vent) a few things and seek some advice. Some of you may know my story. Last June, over the course of two months, I lost about 23 lbs due to anorexia. I had a terrible body image and finally drilled it into my head that I had to gain some weight. I tried a slow and bulk of 0.5-1lb per week and gained most of that weight back in a mostly lean way. Through this, I found my favorite sport and lifestyle (bodybuilding).
Well time goes on and I started to crave a few "dirty" foods like hamburgers, ice cream and chocolate bars ect. I decided to include a "cheat" meal once a week to help me stick with a clean diet 90% of the time.
The first day, I crashed. I probably ate 4000 calories of crap. I was fine for a few days and then hit the wall again. Including today and five days previously, I have likely eaten 6000 (or more) calories per day. Today, I ate an entire pizza to myself at a party and came home and ate a huge dinner with a bunch of other crap.
I don't know why I do this. After I finished that pizza, I didn't even feel full. However, after I finished eating at home I felt very sick and disgusting.
I feel absolutely TERRIBLE and SICK and wish I had never done this "cheating" thing. I try and pick myself up and move on but five days later I've gotten no ware. I was so bloated tonight that I couldn't even go to the gym to workout!
What do I do? I don't want to undo 7 months of hard work and dedication to something stupid like this! Would anybody be able to give me some insight or advice on this?
" I probably ate 4000 calories of crap. I was fine for a few days and then hit the wall again. Including today and five days previously, I have likely eaten 6000 (or more) calories per day. Today, I ate an entire pizza to myself at a party and came home and ate a huge dinner with a bunch of other crap " .
...when you do this , what do you get out of it...in other words......what would you say is ( or you think is ) ' the payoff ' for you when you do this ?
There has to be a ' payoff ' IMO - what would you say it is ?
" I probably ate 4000 calories of crap. I was fine for a few days and then hit the wall again. Including today and five days previously, I have likely eaten 6000 (or more) calories per day. Today, I ate an entire pizza to myself at a party and came home and ate a huge dinner with a bunch of other crap " .
...when you do this , what do you get out of it...in other words......what would you say is ( or you think is ) ' the payoff ' for you when you do this ?
There has to be a ' payoff ' IMO - what would you say it is ?
The pay-off is most likely the comfort of food, it makes you feel good like a drug, and like a drug it makes you feel like crap afterwards.
" I probably ate 4000 calories of crap. I was fine for a few days and then hit the wall again. Including today and five days previously, I have likely eaten 6000 (or more) calories per day. Today, I ate an entire pizza to myself at a party and came home and ate a huge dinner with a bunch of other crap " .
...when you do this , what do you get out of it...in other words......what would you say is ( or you think is ) ' the payoff ' for you when you do this ?
There has to be a ' payoff ' IMO - what would you say it is ?
Hey Wrangell,
I'm not sure that there was any kind of "payoff" as you say. However, before I indulged myself, I thought, "whatever, I can have this." I took a slice and ate it. I forgot how good it tasted as I hadn't eaten pizza in well over a year. Because of that, I took 11 more and probably would've eaten more if it was offered. It's not like it made me feel any better about myself or anything, it was just damned good. Obviously, I thought, "well, I screwed up now so I may as well forget about the rest of the day." Come evening time, I felt like crap because of what I did (for the fifth day in a row.)
Sorry to flood the forum but I wanted to post an update. Sunday was ok for me and I ate my normal 3200 and did some cardio. Today wasn't so good. I got home and was freaking hungry. I easily put down a couple bagels and PB with a glass of milk. Overall by the end of the day I totaled at over 5000k again. No bloating or anything, though.
However, I lifted tonight and felt great. Felt like I could lift a car
I don't know what's happening to me, though. I don't feel like a "binge eater" and feel like I can't stop myself. I was just damned hungry. It's starting to concern me, though. Is it normal for something like this to happen to a 17 year old kid? I don't want to develop a worse condition where I'm going to need serious help to stop......
Hey man we all have problems, Your one could be made into a positive. It would be awesome If you wanted to be huge and you could eat that much.
One option would be to start planning what you are going to eat and filling your house with healthy food. Then when you feel like binging you dont have the option of crap food. Sounds easy but I know its not.
Hey man we all have problems, Your one could be made into a positive. It would be awesome If you wanted to be huge and you could eat that much.
One option would be to start planning what you are going to eat and filling your house with healthy food. Then when you feel like binging you dont have the option of crap food. Sounds easy but I know its not.
Good luck man.
I actually find that most of my binges aren't on dirty food. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it much better. I just gotta get my ass back in gear. This is stupid.
I actually find that most of my binges aren't on dirty food. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it much better. I just gotta get my ass back in gear. This is stupid.
Thanks dude.
Hi Safeboy,
It definitely sounds like you are binge eating. You are eating like this probably because you are looking at foods as good or bad instead of on weather you are actually hungry or not. You are obviously eating fast or you wouldn't get to the point that you feel bloated.
here are a couple of good posts that you may find helpful:
It definitely sounds like you are binge eating. You are eating like this probably because you are looking at foods as good or bad instead of on weather you are actually hungry or not. You are obviously eating fast or you wouldn't get to the point that you feel bloated.
here are a couple of good posts that you may find helpful:
Maybe some advice from a different perspective will do you some good.
I too have been obsessed with trying to gain weight. I'm just naturally skinny. I found this site and picked up some info, but a lot of it, I just took too seriously. Yeah, it's great to try and eat "clean" all of the time. It also feels good to count all of your calories. The underlying thing is that it feeds the thing inside of you that craves control. I think a lot of body image problems come from deep rooted control issues. If you feel out of control in other places in life, you try to seek control in building the perfect body.
Now, I congratulate you on recognizing that you have a problem and taking action to get healthier physically. The thing is, you can't just change the routine, and become controlling in the opposite way. If you were controlling what you were eating in order to lose a huge amount of weight, using the same desire for control to gain it back isn't going to heal the hurt inside of you. There comes a point when you have to realize that it's not about the weight. It's about you, and how you deal with anything in life that stresses you.
Now, I think the reason these "cheat" meals are bothering you so much is because you're still trying to be in complete control of yourself and the foods that you eat. The fact of the matter is, eating a bunch of food will help you gain weight. But you seem to feel that "letting go" and eating for fun or comfort is ruining your plan because you don't feel like you're controlling every bite you put in. Basically, you're still thinking like an anorexic, but you're just trying to gain weight.
Now there are people that will tell you you have to gain weight in a certain way. They'll say you have to count calories, and record everything you eat. Now I think, for a recovering anorexic, that is the worst possible advice. I really think you need to work on your emotions first. Forget about the food for a while. Don't count calories, don't record what you eat. Don't try to eat more or less. Just listen to your body for a while, and see where you are. I think some counseling might also help for you. The people on this forum are certainly well intentioned, and many of us try our hardest to give the best advice, but very few of us are trained counselors. So, if you feel comfortable, look in to finding a counselor that specializes in eating disorders.
Now anyway, back to my story. I found this forum. Followed a lot of this advice, and tried to eat clean and count calories. It was a disaster. I felt terrible about eating anything that wasn't "clean" and I felt terrible when I couldn't get enough calories. I ended up losing more weight from the discouragement. Counting calories works for a lot of people who need the structure. But for people with too much structure or too much of a desire for it, counting calories can be torture.
What I'm trying to do now, is just eat. Eat when I'm hungry, eat a reasonable amount, and stop when my body says that I absolutely cannot eat another bite. I also let myself eat out at my favorite fast food place, panda express, once a week. It does two things, it gives me the extra calories that I need, and it lets me enjoy some really tasty food. I've learned not to feel bad about it because I know that overall, I'm a really healthy person. I exercise like I'm supposed to and I don't eat huge amounts of processed junk. I can afford to eat out every once in a while. I think a lot of it is just learning to let go. No one can be perfect, and fortunately, the human body is pretty resilient. A few slices of pizza every once in a while is not likely to give you heart disease. It's when you're eating a pizza 5 days a week that it gets bad. It's really just about using common sense.
Last edited by spicypumpkin; Apr. 06/08 at 11:46 AM.
What I'm trying to do now, is just eat. Eat when I'm hungry, eat a reasonable amount, and stop when my body says that I absolutely cannot eat another bite. I also let myself eat out at my favorite fast food place, panda express, once a week. It does too things, it gives me the extra calories that I need, and it lets me enjoy some really tasty food. I've learned not to feel bad about it because I know that overall, I'm a really healthy person. I exercise like I'm supposed to and I don't eat huge amounts of processed junk. I can afford to eat out every once in a while. I think a lot of it is just learning to let go. No one can be perfect, and fortunately, the human body is pretty resilient. A few slices of pizza every once in a while is not likely to give you heart disease. It's when you're eating a pizza 5 days a week that it gets bad. It's really just about using common sense.
Maybe some advice from a different perspective will do you some good.
I too have been obsessed with trying to gain weight. I'm just naturally skinny. I found this site and picked up some info, but a lot of it, I just took too seriously. Yeah, it's great to try and eat "clean" all of the time. It also feels good to count all of your calories. The underlying thing is that it feeds the thing inside of you that craves control. I think a lot of body image problems come from deep rooted control issues. If you feel out of control in other places in life, you try to seek control in building the perfect body.
Now, I congratulate you on recognizing that you have a problem and taking action to get healthier physically. The thing is, you can't just change the routine, and become controlling in the opposite way. If you were controlling what you were eating in order to lose a huge amount of weight, using the same desire for control to gain it back isn't going to heal the hurt inside of you. There comes a point when you have to realize that it's not about the weight. It's about you, and how you deal with anything in life that stresses you.
Now, I think the reason these "cheat" meals are bothering you so much is because you're still trying to be in complete control of yourself and the foods that you eat. The fact of the matter is, eating a bunch of food will help you gain weight. But you seem to feel that "letting go" and eating for fun or comfort is ruining your plan because you don't feel like you're controlling every bite you put in. Basically, you're still thinking like an anorexic, but you're just trying to gain weight.
Now there are people that will tell you you have to gain weight in a certain way. They'll say you have to count calories, and record everything you eat. Now I think, for a recovering anorexic, that is the worst possible advice. I really think you need to work on your emotions first. Forget about the food for a while. Don't count calories, don't record what you eat. Don't try to eat more or less. Just listen to your body for a while, and see where you are. I think some counseling might also help for you. The people on this forum are certainly well intentioned, and many of us try our hardest to give the best advice, but very few of us are trained counselors. So, if you feel comfortable, look in to finding a counselor that specializes in eating disorders.
Now anyway, back to my story. I found this forum. Followed a lot of this advice, and tried to eat clean and count calories. It was a disaster. I felt terrible about eating anything that wasn't "clean" and I felt terrible when I couldn't get enough calories. I ended up losing more weight from the discouragement. Counting calories works for a lot of people who need the structure. But for people with too much structure or too much of a desire for it, counting calories can be torture.
What I'm trying to do now, is just eat. Eat when I'm hungry, eat a reasonable amount, and stop when my body says that I absolutely cannot eat another bite. I also let myself eat out at my favorite fast food place, panda express, once a week. It does two things, it gives me the extra calories that I need, and it lets me enjoy some really tasty food. I've learned not to feel bad about it because I know that overall, I'm a really healthy person. I exercise like I'm supposed to and I don't eat huge amounts of processed junk. I can afford to eat out every once in a while. I think a lot of it is just learning to let go. No one can be perfect, and fortunately, the human body is pretty resilient. A few slices of pizza every once in a while is not likely to give you heart disease. It's when you're eating a pizza 5 days a week that it gets bad. It's really just about using common sense.
No bloating or anything, though.
I just gotta get my ass back in gear. This is stupid.
Well said, well said..... 
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