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Thread: Why can't some people apologize?

  1. #1
    BikeSwimLaugh is offline Verge of Overtraining
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    Why can't some people apologize?

    First-off.....this thread is absolutely/positively NOT about anyone on this forum. Generally someone post something like this because they're upset at someone. NOT IN THIS CASE....I'm just throwing this out as something to chat about. With my 2-hour ride today I was just sorta mentally working this out for a couple miles and figured I'd solicit for opinions and offer it up for discussion. It's not like a problem or anything, just a subject/concept I touch on now & then.....

    There's lots of personalities and I'm more then certain some of the people who read this fall into the category of those who can't apologize or say they're sorry for something when they should.

    About the first thing that comes to mind is that a person who is incapable of apologizing is someone who is insecure about themselves and generally feels an apology is a concession and admission that they're both wrong and a lesser person for it. I can't get around this notion, it just seems the most practical of reasons. Maybe they think that in giving respect it compromises their self-respect and in some way concedes an inferiority to the offended person.

    Another reason could be that the person is just insensitive or they just don't care. They may be aware that they should say something, but they don't because they're all too wraped-up in their own lives and don't make the effort to treat others in a cordial manner & proper manner.

    To me, saying 'sorry' is just as important as saying 'thank you' when someone does something for you. I suppose I like to treat others as I myself would like to be treated...but perhaps I'm projecting my own social norms onto other people and then expecting the same in return...and if it doesn't happen then I figure something is wrong with them.

    I had this friend who just out & out screwed me over....he knew it was wrong but he absolutely would not apologize for it. I even told him he needed to apologize and he said "Oh, well fine...if that's what it takes" (basically removing all sincerity and conveying it was being done strictly as his going through the motions). Ironically, this guy is very arrogant & self-centered....but so often the people who seem so confident in themselves are actually the people who are struggling with self-confidence issues and it pressents itself as the opposite. Was he so smug that apologizing was beneath him....or was the notion of conceding he was wrong something his ego couldn't tolerate because of his insecurities??

    I dunno...but instead of writing a whole dissertation why not open it up for discussion. Why are some people incapable of apologizing?

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  3. #2
    flyinfree is offline aDvansT iN duM
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    I think it is basically because they set out with the intent of BEING RIGHT, verses just "being."

    if each can just "BE" then we are free to go for it in communication and life, and have fun, get excited, apologize, accept apologies, and so forth.

    for me personally, i am so prepared to "BE" that i will even apologize and get on down the road, whether I am right or wrong.

    IT IS OK FOR ME TO BE EMBARRASSED BY ME! good thing to, cuz it happens often- LOL!!

    When I have an arrogant self righteous moment it almost walways feels yucky.

    FF

  4. #3
    darkangel is offline In Orientation
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    I think sometimes people OVER-apologize for certain small things and it actually annoys me. They say 'sorry' if they think they're in my way, when they're really not, and then I feel like I did something wrong somehow.. Or that they think I'm so self-centered and important that if I didn't get that 'sorry' then I'm going to be mad at them or something. Happens a lot at work, people are "over polite" and it comes off fake. I say apologize when it really matters.

  5. #4
    Proteinboy is offline training 2 b a genius@hardwork
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    Pride...as in caring for oneself above everyone else.
    either they wont admit they are wrong(wont put themself in your shoes) or they just dont care about the wronged person.
    if someone wont say they are sorry, they are putting themself before the person wronged.

  6. #5
    Greenhorn Gal is offline Second Set
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    BSL, that is a million dollar question!

    Honestly, I think in most cases, you're right that they think an apology is a concession and cannot deal with their own insecurities to simply say "I'm sorry". Additionally, though, I think apologizing is a learned skill. I was consciously taught by my parents that you apologize when you mess up, and I just learned how to do it. As I grew up, I consciously learned how to accept responsibility for whatever error I created. As a parent, I am not afraid to apologize to my kids if an apology is warranted. (I am not a pushover; if I hold them accountable for what they do, I too need to be accountable! What better way to teach that than to show how it is done.)

    I used to be one of those annoying people who apologized for everything--it took a little time to get over the habit. The "peacemaker" side of me always wanted everyone to be happy...

    Now I'm still annoying, but for different reasons! he he!

  7. #6
    theGOOCH is offline International Man of Mystery
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    I never say I'm sorry. It's a sign of weakness.


  8. #7
    BikeSwimLaugh is offline Verge of Overtraining
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greenhorn Gal View Post
    BSL, that is a million dollar question!
    I disagree...I'd have to argue that a "million dollar question" is one where, if you get the answer right, you get a million dollars!!!

    You make some excellent points.

    Quote Originally Posted by theGOOCH View Post
    I never say I'm sorry. It's a sign of weakness.

    I'm offended you should say such a thing; you owe me an apology! But since you won't apologize, just sit there eating your 6,000 calories per day and never gain weight...consumption freak!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by darkangel View Post
    I think sometimes people OVER-apologize for certain small things and it actually annoys me.
    Nahhh.....I'm not talking about little stuff, I'm talking like when someone does something wrong enough that your friends can't believe it and/or condemn it as royally wrong or whacked. Examples are tough, but we're talking the stuff that REALLY upsets you....not accidently stumbling into your walk path or anything.

    But you know the personality...people who just won't apologize even when it's clear and they know they've done wrong. I'm really leaning towards it just being something they evidently weren't taught as a child but more so something they can't do because it's too much of a concession.

    I'm surprised FF responde to this thread...he's way too busy to mess around with foo-foo threads like this. What's next; watching Oprah?

  9. #8
    Greenhorn Gal is offline Second Set
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    Honey, I think you're right and if I had a million dollars, I'd give it to ya. You just gotta go find someone who has a million who wants to know the answer to that question...!

  10. #9
    BikeSwimLaugh is offline Verge of Overtraining
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    Oh...it's cool. I've already got a million dollars, but each time we put away the Monopoly game I have to put the million dollars and all the little plastic houses & apartment buildings back with it.

  11. #10
    flyinfree is offline aDvansT iN duM
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    Quote Originally Posted by theGOOCH View Post
    I never say I'm sorry. It's a sign of weakness.


    hey gooch! Sorry for callin you an AASS in the plus rep window thingy!

    hahahaha

  12. #11
    Dallen is offline Verge of Overtraining
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    It's human nature. I usually say sorry if I am wrong. However, depending on the situation and the behavior of the other person, I may never say sorry.

  13. #12
    Kraken is offline Banned
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    There are 2 kinds of people in the world.

    1. The ones who are assholes and just don't care

    2. The ones who are too stupid to realize they are being assholes.

    I fall into the first category. LOL

  14. #13
    theGOOCH is offline International Man of Mystery
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    Quote Originally Posted by flyinfree View Post
    hey gooch! Sorry for callin you an AASS in the plus rep window thingy!

    hahahaha
    I'm sorry for the package of dog poo I mailed to your house

  15. #14
    Woodt is offline Verge of Overtraining
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    I think sometimes people tell themselves something so many times that they truly believe they are in the right. It's like brainwashing yourself.

    It also may come down to certain character flaws in an individual. For example a macho man whose always been 'in charge' would not like to be told otherwise. It can make you feel weaker apologizing as you are putting yourself on the line in doing so.

    One example may be apologizing to a girl friend, and her rejecting your apology and even worse, not giving one back for a mutual argument. That then makes one feel as if the next time they are 'owed' an apology, and it carries on.

    Hope that helps.

  16. #15
    Lillian Guest
    [QUOTE=Kraken;288819]There are 2 kinds of people in the world.

    1. The ones who are assholes and just don't care

    2. The ones who are too stupid to realize they are being assholes.

    Agreed. I can't stand people who don't apologize, especially when they are wrong.

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